Mallory Vs The State of California
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory is not handling her move to LA well.


**Once again Mallory took the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. More madness from my tiny little brain. Takes place after Deadly Prep but before Motherless Child.**

 **Mallory Vs The State Of California **

"When the hell is that stupid San Andreas Fault going to open wide and swallow this god forsaken state whole?" Mallory asked as she stormed into her kitchen after a day at the Figgis Agency. "Because it can't be soon enough for me!"

"Did you have a nice day?" Ron asked as he looked up from his newspaper. "I ask knowing the answer will not be a good one."

"Oh I am so glad you asked," Mallory said sarcastically. "I just **love** living in California. Every day I learn new things. Today I learned that bowling on the sidewalk is illegal. Want to know how I learned that?"

"I'm guessing your son and Pam," Ron spoke up.

"Close," Mallory sighed. "My idiot son, Pam, Cheryl and Krieger. For some reason they wanted to practice bowling on the street. Long story short I had to bribe the cops to not charge us with illegal bowling, assault with a bowling ball and sexual assault."

"Sexual assault?" Ron asked.

"Pam," Mallory said simply.

"Oh right," Ron nodded.

"When I was trying to lecture Sterling and the Bowling Brigade, Cyril then interrupts me," Mallory grumbled. "Whining about some legal mumbo jumbo…Blah, blah…Anyway because of that idiot the other idiots ran off to the café next door. Presumably to eat bear claws."

"There's a café next to your agency?" Ron asked. "How's their pastry?"

"Eh, it's not bad," Mallory shrugged. "Not as good as New York's…"

"Well obviously," Ron rolled his eyes.

"Then I had to make the final payments on the endowment to County Day so that my granddaughter would have a decent education!" Mallory grumbled. "Again **thanks a lot** Sterling! And Lana!"

"And where did you get that money again?" Ron asked.

"Mostly from Sterling's retirement account," Mallory sighed.

"Sterling has a retirement account?"

"Not anymore," Mallory sighed. "Of course Lana barely paid her meager share. As usual…Oh and speaking of paying…"

"Here we go…" Ron sighed.

"Sterling then comes in whining about that ridiculous car of his again," Mallory groaned. "I forget what's broken this time."

"You know he really should turn that hunk of junk in for a Cadillac," Ron said.

"Don't think I didn't mention that," Mallory groaned. "But noooooooooo! He has to have that car because some idiot on TV with a mustache has that exact same car!"

"Who?" Ron asked. "Barnaby Jones?"

"Oh who remembers?" Mallory sighed. "After Sterling drained my credit rating as well as my will to live I decided to try and find some social contacts in this smog infested town. I tried to reach out to the local social registry…Only to find out there isn't any!"

"Uh…" Ron blinked. "I don't think there's been one for years, babe. Well unless you count the Screen Actors Guild."

"So I kept calling around to anyone, and I mean **anyone** I knew in California," Mallory sighed. "After several phone calls and three possible restraining orders later…I gave up and decided to leave early."

"Wait if you left early then why are you home at your normal time?" Ron asked.

"I'm **getting** to that!" Mallory snapped. "Just as soon as I step out of the agency I was halted in my tracks! Apparently they were shooting some damn movie on our street and I couldn't get my car out of my parking spot!"

"Really? Which movie?" Ron asked.

"How should I know?" Mallory grumbled. "It was some kind of weird car chase with a stair climber. Which Sterling and the gaggle of goofs kept hopping on and off of."

"And I'm guessing that got you in trouble," Ron sighed.

"Not as much as the restraining order Jeffrey Tambour put on me," Mallory groaned. "Oh don't look at me like that Ron. I was trying to keep Sterling from getting arrested. It worked…Besides there's something about Jeffrey Tambour that's so familiar."

"Yeah well this whole explanation of your flirting is getting a little **too familiar,"** Ron folded his arms.

"Here we go…" Mallory groaned.

"Look it's not like I thought you were a virgin when we got married," Ron growled. "But seriously? Do you have to throw yourself at every guy when you think I'm not around?"

"I do not throw myself at every guy!" Mallory snapped.

"I didn't have to take you back you know?" Ron barked. "I could have stayed in New York and let you dangle on your own."

"Yes Ron," Mallory glared at him. "I am eternally grateful for your sacrifice!"

"Don't give me that attitude of yours," Ron barked. "Without me you wouldn't have a pot to piss in and you know it!"

"Must you be so crude?" Mallory huffed as she went to get a drink.

"Must you be so obvious?" Ron shouted back.

A growl was heard. "Don't growl at me you…" Both Ron and Mallory said at the same time.

Then they realized something. "That wasn't me," They both said at the same time. "But if it wasn't you…And if it wasn't me…"

Mallory looked out the window to her backyard and screamed. "What is it?" Ron went to look.

To their shock a large brown bear was swimming in their pool. "Is that a bear?" Ron did a double take. "That's a freaking **bear!"**

"IN MY POOL!" Mallory screamed.

"Your pool?" Ron gave her a look.

"There's a god damn bear in my pool!" Mallory shouted.

"You do know this is technically **my house** right?" Ron asked. "Because it's in my name and I pay taxes on it."

"This is California!" Mallory snapped. "What's yours is mine too! Fifty/fifty!"

"You mean like how I own fifty percent of **your shares** in the Figgis Agency?" Ron asked acidly.

"Oh…" Mallory blinked.

"Didn't think of that did you?" Ron smirked.

"That's not important right now!" Mallory changed the subject. "There is a damn bear in my freaking pool!"

"Our freaking pool!" Ron corrected. "Is this one of Krieger's stupid things again?"

"No, he usually works in smaller mediums," Mallory waved. "Easier to sneak in and out of his lab. This is a regular bear which is pretty difficult enough!"

"What do we do?" Ron asked.

"I'll handle this as usual!" Mallory got her gun from her purse.

"Mallory! Don't wait! Are you crazy?" Ron protested. "That's a freaking bear!"

"And that's my freaking pool!" Mallory stormed out to the backyard. "HEY YOGI! HOW ABOUT PUTTING THIS IN YOUR PICNIC BASKET!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Whoa…" Ron blinked. "Right between the eyes."

"There," Mallory grinned. "That takes care of that problem! Now I just have to figure out how to get a dead bear carcass out of my pool."

Not long after…

"What do you mean I'm getting a fine?" Mallory shouted to the animal control officers.

"Technically the bear is an endangered species ma'am," One animal control officer said.

"Well my home was endangered!" Mallory snapped. "As well as my pool!"

"Normally we'd arrest you, but uh…" The second animal control officer shrugged. "Let's face it, it was probably going to be put down anyway so…"

"That damn bear was trespassing on my property, putting **my life** in danger and **I'm** the one getting fined?" Mallory shouted. "So I'm getting fined for doing your job?"

"Guess you could bear-ly handle it," Ron quipped. Mallory glared at him. "Too soon?"


End file.
